just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
