My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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