I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
