i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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