Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize