The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
