i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
