the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
