sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
