My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
