I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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