Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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