3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I want to walk on stilts...naked
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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