I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
