I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
