I wish I only lived at night.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she pinky promised me she was 18
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
