weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
