WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
