who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
