K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Buhtt sex?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize