im six kinds of drunk right now
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
