hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i need to put some appletini on your dick
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
