what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
