when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
