All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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