i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just found a bag of teeth...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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