his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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