areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
what day is it and did you see me today?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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