you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I yelled at your uterus for you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
