it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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