bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
