I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
