thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize