So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
high people should be assigned attendants
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
