All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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