I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
