Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It all started with a game of naked twister.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
