did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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