Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
