I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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