is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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