yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
