I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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