If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
