There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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