I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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