I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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