Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
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