Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
