I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize
