my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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