1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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