I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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