life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize