I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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