it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
