girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
