Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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