You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
