Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
