Welp...herpes.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
