Fine. I'll sleep in my office
it was like his penis was on wheels.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
