well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
