I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
