Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize