I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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