you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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