Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
