Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
