I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
